In the Market for Misery? by Arnie Wohlgemut
Where do you turn to get feedback? Sometimes we go to the strangest place or a special someone to get feedback. I know I have, more often than I wish to admit.
For example, I have asked workshop participants for feedback by asking what they thought about the session, not knowing if they have ever presented at a workshop of their own. What I should have asked was, if there was anything from the session that they will incorporate into their work or home life.
I’m sure at some point, we have all experienced a bad server at a restaurant or, we have met various people who intimidated us and not spoke highly of either. What I have learned is, turning a personal experience into an absolute truth, puts us in the market for misery.
“We have a habit of turning a personal experience into an absolute truth”
Arnie Wohlgemut
1. “Are they qualified to provide feedback?”
I was speaking with a client last week about a recent situation that was happening to him, and the one and only negative feedback he received among the positive ones was really bothering him. We discussed the value of who he was getting feedback from and if they were knowledgeable enough to make such accusations and how he could’ve improved. The short answer was “no”!
Why do we accept leadership advice from those who have never been leaders? Or ask for business advice from someone who has never started a new business?
Why?
Because sometimes we need confirmation that our failure is justified, confirming our own self-doubt, turning our own experience into an absolute truth.
“True intuitive expertise is learned from prolonged experience with good feedback on mistakes.”
Daniel Kahneman
2. “Are they in a legitimate position to provide feedback?”
I also believe that in our work experience, we have people in a position of authority that can provide valuable feedback. If you’re fortunate, they will provide feedback based on personal experience and expertise. This is where their leadership skills and experiences are valuable. If they care about you and your growth, they will provide feedback that is important for your success.
“When setting out on a journey do not seek advice from those who have never left home.”
Rumi
3. “Pessimism is easy.”
All feedback, regardless of the source, should be subjected to your reflection and intuition on how to apply it. Do not be in the market for misery!
If you accept all feedback as the truth, you open yourself up to the misery of self-doubt. Self-doubt is the kind of villain who can easily be mistaken for a hero. It sneaks up on you. It slowly slithers through your mind, slowly suffocating your self-confidence.
My challenge for you, as it is for anyone who wishes to improve and grow, be careful on who you ask for feedback. They should be a person you respect or someone you admire for their related success.
If you receive unsolicited advice, do not be afraid to ask them questions in return, such as, why they are giving you advice that was not asked for.
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